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This is as funny as a root canal

The following is a recap of my current identity:

I was born a white male, which makes me a racist. I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which makes me a fascist. I am heterosexual, which makes me a homophobe. I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business. I am a Christian, which makes me an infidel. I am older than 65 and retired, which makes me a useless old man. I think and I reason; therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which makes me a reactionary. I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe. I value my safety and that of my family; therefore I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist. I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which makes me anti-socialist. I acquired a good education without student loans and no debt at graduation, which makes me some kind of odd underachiever. I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland by all citizens, which makes me a militarist. Please help me come to terms with this, because I'm not sure who I am anymore! Newest problem – I'm not sure which bathroom I should use...