They are probably joking, but I might vote to give this a trial

Senate To Be Replaced With Room Full Of Monkeys Throwing Feces

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In an emergency, overnight referendum, the American people voted on Thursday to replace the United States Senate with a room full of monkeys throwing feces. The measure passed with 57% of the vote. 22% of voters thought the Senate should be replaced by barking seals, while 17% voted that the replacement should be the pit of venomous snakes from Indiana Jones. 3.97% voted that Senate members be replaced by screaming goats. "About 100 people" voted for the current Senators to keep their jobs, with this tiny voting bloc centered in Washington, D.C.

Highland Ape Rescue out of West Virginia will be teaming up with Cornwell Primate farms to supply hundreds of monkeys and apes to the Senate. The animals will be fed a nutritious mixture of foods that produce easily throwable feces. Protective glass will be put up around the Senate for camera crews to safely film, but anyone being interviewed by the new senators will have to sit in the middle of the poo-flinging octagon, coming under a heavy barrage of projectile excrement.

"It will be a huge improvement from how things were before," said ape trainer, Marlena Henwick. "No more 10-12 hour hearings. With these monkeys, all the fecal projectiles will have been flung in under 30 minutes. One and done."

The recently replaced senators will be placed on display at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. for families to observe and zoologists to study.
 


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Teenager Charged For Domestic Tomato Assault | The Smoking Gun

http://thesmokinggun.com/documents/stupid/teen-tomato-beef-650973

Five thoughts...
1) I deny this woman is a "teenager"

2) I suspect a truly smart shrink could interview this woman and find mental illness back to diaper days

3) Years of drugs, legal or illegal, bought or snitched (or given by shrinks) are in the picture

4) A moral religious background is not

5) She didn't post $18,000 bond (an enabler did)

Teenager Charged For Domestic Tomato Assault

SEPTEMBER 23--A Florida Woman who "wanted to eat more than her fair share of tomatoes at the dinner table" is facing criminal charges after allegedly assaulting elderly relatives who thwarted her grubby vegetable gambit, records show.

Katie Jade Gates, 19, allegedly became incensed when she was denied additional tomatoes during supper on September 12 at her family's home in Callahan, a town 20 miles north of Jacksonville.

Gates's grandmother told police that the teenager "began to throw a fit because she couldn't have more tomatoes at the dinner table." Gates allegedly threw a water bottle at her grandfather and a pack of cigarettes at a 73-year-old female relative (who was struck in the eye by the airborne tobacco). 

When confronted about her behavior by her grandfather, Gates allegedly grabbed a knife and began threatening him with it. "Motherfucker, I'll stab you in your fucking face," she said, according to a Nassau County Sheriff's Office report. Gates, witnesses told cops, chased her grandfather with the knife and poked the weapon at his face.

During police questioning, Gates reportedly admitted hitting her relative in the face with the cigarette pack. She also acknowledged picking up a knife and approaching her grandfather, but denied "attempting to strike him with the knife in her hand during the argument."

Gates was arrested and charged with two felonies, aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and aggravated battery on a victim over the age of 65. She bonded out of jail after posting $18,000 bond.

A judge has ordered Gates to have no contact with the victims. She is scheduled for an October 3 court appearance. (2 pages)

There are no words

NYT: 'Poop Shame Is Real — and It Disproportionately Affects Women'
Sep. 18th, 2019

What we have here is yet another example of the Times confusing the neurotic behavior of she-babies with an oppressive patriarchy.

The article opens with these three anecdotes, all of which should be filed under First World Problems of the Emotionally Unstable:

There once was a woman who walked regularly from her office in Midtown Manhattan to a hotel across the street in order to use the restroom, and that woman may have been one of us.

That woman had a friend, at another office job, who carried a book of matches and a can of air freshener in her purse — more willing to set off the office fire alarm than leave any hint of odor in a public lavatory.

That friend had another friend, at another office job, who repeatedly forced her body to do the deed so quickly — racing from cubicle to bathroom and back, in an effort to deflect attention from what she might be doing in there — that it led to a semi-serious hemorrhoid problem.

And rather than explain just how great of a country we must live in where a once-prestigious newspaper has the luxury to dwell on such things; rather than use these anecdotes as a cautionary tale so that your daughter does not grow up to be like any one of these three manic bimbos, we are informed that the real problem is *sigh* men:

Poop shame is real — and it disproportionately affects women, who suffer from higher rates of irritable bowel syndrome and inflammatory bowel disease. In other words, the patriarchy has seeped into women's intestinal tracts. Let's call it the pootriarchy.

Girls aren't born with poo shame — it's something they're taught.

The "pootriarchy," y'all.

That got past an editor.

About halfway through, I got the sense that this was less of a ridiculous social justice piece — that not one word would need to change to score bigtime at the Onion — and more of a fetish piece disguised as social justice. No joke, the two so-called reporters at work here, Jessica Bennett and Amanda McCall, are seriously into their dookie.

Backing up my "fetish" theory is the illustration that comes with the article. We see four bathroom stalls. In the first stall, there are two women in there doing heaven knows what. (Must women do everything in pairs?) In the next stall there's a guy facing the back wall. The third stall is empty. In the fourth stall, a woman is seated on the toilet with her shoes off, which begs the question…

MY GOD, WHO PUTS THEIR BARE FEET ON A PUBLIC BATHROOM FLOOR???!!

I'm telling ya', this is a fetish piece. There's no other explanation. To inform the piece, they even sent out a survey about "fecal habits at work," which sounds an awful lot like that section of the porn store that tells you it's time to turn around.

More evidence of is this is that the entire story is premised on the fake news that men are not at all embarrassed to stink up a bathroom or let one rip. Hey, I've been married 30 years and am still so mortified I blame it on the dog.  At home or abroad, I know of no male over the age of 11 who is not embarrassed by their own stink clouds. I know a guy so embarrassed that whenever he stays with family, he uses a gas station restroom.

"Going out for coffee!'

"There's coffee right here!"

"Be back in thirty!"

"Why does he need a magazine to get coffee?"

But because the Times exists in a vacuum-sealed world filled with neurotic she-babies who believe that anything that makes them even a little uncomfortable is someone else's fault, is a social problem that must be solved, is the fault of the patriarchy,  and cannot have anything to do with the complexities of the human condition… We get crap journalism like this.

To me, articles like these are just one more reminder of how glorious life is in this country, of just how much peace and unprecedented prosperity we enjoy. There are so few problems in America, the Times has the luxury of assigning two reporters to the dookie patrol.

God, I love this country.

 Follow John Nolte on Twitter @NolteNC. 

It is only natural that everybody and everything needs to be audited