HATE-CRIME HOAXES DU JOUR
Nikki Joly is an aggressively ugly, short and dumpy woman who claims she's a man, possibly because by all known metrics, she fails as a woman. A local paper in her hometown of Jackson, MI named her "Citizen of the Year" after her efforts to open a gay community center, organize a gay festival, and pass an ordinance that forbids anti-gay discrimination.
Joly's house burned down in 2017, killing the three cats and two German Shepherds that were inside. After the fire, she posted on Facebook, "Yes, be angry, be very angry. Use that anger to force good! Use that anger to make change."
Now she has been arrested and charged with setting the blaze, allegedly because "he [sic] had been frustrated the controversy over gay rights had died down with the passage of the nondiscrimination law." You heard that correctly—according to rumor, Joly killed all five of her pets because she was frustrated that the town wasn't supplying her with an adequate dosage of hatred.
A black woman named Darnell Byrd-McPherson is the mayor of the itty-bitty, teeny-weenie town of Lamar, SC. Last month she claimed to be the victim of a savage hate crime when it appeared that someone had sprayed a yellow substance on her car. In the wake of this heinous incident, she told a TV reporter:
We are grateful the person or persons did not try to take our lives but the culprits will be identified and prosecuted….Love conquers hate and my husband and I refuse to be intimidated by those who perpetrated this act of vandalism which I classify as an act of hatred.
Unfortunately for Mizz Mayor, investigators discovered that the mysterious yellow substance was merely pollen.
What kind of country do we live in where even pollen hates black people?
MALE STUDENT TOO DRUNK TO CONSENT TO SEX
After more than four years of having his name dragged through the mud on bogus rape allegations, a former student at Miami University of Ohio—which is the Ruth's Chris Steak House of colleges—has been vindicated. Identified in court documents only as John Doe, he was suspended after a female acquaintance accused him of sexually assaulting her despite the fact that the school acknowledged that the girl had initiated contact and John Doe was too inebriated to consent. John Doe sued after his suspension, and a judge ruled that the school had been unfair in its kangaroo-court treatment of him. Doe and the school have agreed to a private settlement for an undisclosed sum, which should at least keep him awash in beer and hookers until he settles down with a gal who isn't prone to false rape allegations.
FROM TRANSGENDER TO TRANSALIEN
Jareth Nebula—without even researching, we are convinced beyond the pubic-hair-sized wisp of a doubt that her parents didn't name her that—is a female-to-male transsexual who describes herself on Facebook as "Trans/Agender, Demisexual/Graysexual, Blue Alien, MisfitGoth, Body Mods, Disabled, J-Fashion, Potato."
If that isn't enough to make you want to kick her in her nonexistent nuts, Nebula now claims she has grown tired of being transgender and wants to transcend it by becoming a "transalien" and wants to have her nipples surgically removed so she feels less human:
I know I'm stuck in a human form and that's how I'm perceived by others – but to me, I'm an alien with no gender….After coming out as transgender and believing I had finally found myself, I realized I was wrong – I wasn't male or female, or even human….I don't think or feel like humans. I can't really explain it to others – I'm simply otherworldly….I didn't feel comfortable as either gender or even anything in between….I know I'm stuck in a human form and that's how I'm perceived by others – but to me, I'm an alien with no gender.
Nah, you're just a severely messed-up chick.
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