Turn off that CNN you constantly watch and enjoy a few gentle jokes

JEWISH MOTHER


The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."

"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.

"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?"

Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2025, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her and says: "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?"

The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

 

ITALIAN MOTHER

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.

He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?"

Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."

"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"

Mama replies: "I don't like her."

 

AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him Guinness Stout. He didn't like it so I drank it.

Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like that either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . . I could barely push the stroller back home.

 


Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, my boys, someone got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short straw. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500 at poker; and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

When Your Number Hasn't Been Called

Were they not filmed, no one would believe the close calls.

They either want us to be bank robbers or instead simply quit breathing and die

Rex recommends laughing because crying will wet that mask on your face. 😁

A mask-less 1974 "Planet Earth" 2 minute preview

So you are a pussified white man seeking some way to atone for the "sins" of your real-man ancestors? Curious about where the social justice warriors are taking you? Gene Roddenberry had an idea way back then. Don't worry, though, as there are no castration scenes for you wannabee transgenders. Those are being saved for 2021 and beyond.😃

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sg5ylpg74Sw&list=RDCMUCU0rIMU3k_AsVA8d6N1B03w&index=1

Cute joke

Ed and his wife Norma went to the state fair every year, And every year Ed would say,
" Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Norma always replied,
" I know Ed, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, " Norma, I'm 75 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Norma replied,
" Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word, I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, " By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! "

Ed replied, " Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out,
But you know...
 
Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! 

Interesting photos

Biden Explaining How Many Vaccines

Kamala is closer than you think.

A note to my good buddies at the club

It is important for us men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she comes to bed and she never wakes me.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.

But, guys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you use just a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
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FOLLOWUP: The above note was found in Ron's effects after he died suddenly on January 13 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Callaway "Big Bertha" golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer lying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murder.

After the note was introduced as evidence, the all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club

I hope our Exhalted Leader won't send me to the Gulag for passing on this bit of fun

Remotely interested

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one
evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he
hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at
her neck, and then began moving down the small of her back.

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down,
stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on
her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her
buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost
portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side,
then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite enamored by her husband's actions, she asked
in a loving voice, "Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?" 

To which he responded: "I found the remote."