Just when you think you have seen it all

Just barely suitable for mixed company

Boomers

-

ARE WE THE ONES WITH DEMENTIA?

ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGING? REALLY??? 

NO!!!

 

ONE

Recently, I went to McDonald's and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.  I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only   Splenda and sugar.)

 

  
TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things   on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.

She had no clue to what had just happened.

(But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face)

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her DVD drive and pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy.

(Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.

'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get   into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'

Hmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.

'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check  about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

 

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned   to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.

A  Brunette, by the way!! {Sure it wasn't a dye job?}

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency   room, the kid had eaten ants.

The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says,   'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!!

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.

Don't laugh....it is all true...

  
Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!

1.   Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2.   In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first

3.   No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4.   People call at 8 PM   and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5.   People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6.   There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7.   Things you buy now won't wear out.

8.   You can eat supper at 5 PM.

9.   You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10.   Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

11. You can't remember who sent you this list.

12.   And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

Really weird signs

Signal

If you keep up with the White House, you probably heard the President say he wants the carriers to scan all your text messages and calls to identify what he calls "misinformation" and what you know as "anything and everything he, along with government officials, don't want you to know or share." We are talking Ministry of Truth right out of George Orwell's "1984."

Both Jack Dorsey (the owner of Twitter), and I, trust the SIGNAL messaging app to keep our private thoughts private and it's easy to install. The download will set SIGNAL to replace your current messaging service.

https://www.signal.org/

Is it perfect? Well, my phone recently reset and all my texts were lost. Interestingly, Google (and I assume Apple) automatically restored every single text right back to the beginning of time where I had used an ordinary service. When I whined to SIGNAL about finding the messages sent via them, they let me know I should have made a special backup because nobody, including them, can read my old messages.

And that is the way privacy should be. 

Snopes: Yes, Michael Yeadon did say COVID-19 Vaccine Will Kill Recipients Within 2 Years

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/michael-yeadon-vaccine-death/

For you ladies only (I deleted the men from this mailing)

1.� �The Car Heater


We all owe our thanks to Margaret A Wilcox who invented the car heater in 1893!
(Margaret also invented a combined clothes and dishwasher)


2. Monopoly


This popular board game was designed by Elizabeth Magie in 1904, originally called the Landlord's Game.
The purpose of this game was to expose the injustices of unchecked capitalism.�
Her game was ripped off by Charles Darrow who sold it to Parker Brother's 30 years later.
However Parker Brothers later paid Elizabeth $500 for her game.Gee Thanks!


3. The Fire Escape


The fire escape was invented by Anna Connelly in 1887


4. The Life Raft


The life saving Life Raft was invented by Maria Beasely in 1882.�

��� (Maria also invented a machine that makes barrels)


5. Residential Solar Heating


Solar heating for residential housing was invented by Dr Maria Telkes in 1947.�
Dr. Telkes was a Psychiatrist in addition to being a Solar-Power Pioneer



6. The Medical Syringe


The medical syringe which could be operated with only one hand was�

��� invented by a woman by the name of Letitia Geer in 1899


7. The Modern Electric Refrigerator


The electric refrigerator was invented by Florence Parpart in 1914
(Florence also invented an improved street cleaning machine in addition to the refrigerator)


8. The Ice Cream Maker


The ice cream maker was invented by a woman named Nancy Johnson in 1843.�

Her patented design is still used today!


9. The Computer Algorithm

��

��

Ada Lovelace is essentially the first computer programmer due to her work with Charles Babbage at the University of London in 1842.In fact her notes were�an essential key to helping Alan Turing's work on the first modern computers in the 1940s.


10. Telecommunications Technology


Some of the Telecommunication Technology developed by Dr Shirley Jackson include portable fax, touch tone telephone,solar cells, fibre optic cables, and the technology behind caller ID and call waiting.


11. The Dishwasher


The Dishwasher was invented by Josephine Cochrane in 1887. Before her time, she even marketed her machine to hotel�owners�and�even opened her own factory without the help of a man!


12. Wireless Transmission Technology


Hedy Lamarr, a world famous film star, invented a secret communications system during World War II for radio-controlling torpedoes.� This Technology also paved the way for everything from Wi-Fi to GPS


13. Closed-Circuit Television Security (CCTV)


Marie Van Brittan Brown invented CCTV because of the slow response of police officers in 1969 to help people ensure their own security.
This invention influenced modern CCTV systems used for home security and police work today.



14. The Modern Paper Bag


Margaret Knight invented a machine that makes square bottomed paper bags in 1871. She almost didn't get credit when Charles Anan tried to steal her work claiming that it wasn't possible for a woman to create this brilliant invention. (Margaret also invented a safety device for cotton mills when she was 12... that invention is still being used today)


15. Central Heating


Although Alice Parker's invention in 1919 of a gas powered central heater was never manufactured.
Her idea was the first that allowed for using natural gas to heat a home, inspiring the central heating systems used today


16. Kevlar


This life-saving material that is 5 times stronger than steel and used to make bulletproof vests was invented in 1965 by Stephanie Kwolek



17. Computer Software


Dr Grace Murray Hopper was a computer scientist that invented COBOL which is the first user-friendly business computer software system in the 1940's.�
She was also a rear admiral in the U.S. navy and the first person to use the term "bug" in reference to a glitch in a computer system when she literally found a moth causing problems with her computer.

 

 

Mildly cute

*My tolerance for idiots is extremely low today.  I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously there is a new strain out there.
 
*As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of … it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
 
*Me:  Sobbing my heart out, "I can't see you anymore … I'm not going to let you hurt me again."
Trainer:  "It was one sit-up.
 
*Sorry I haven't gotten anything done today.  I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
 
*Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
 
*Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think "That can't be accurate."
 
*I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently.  I have new ideas.
 
*Teacher:  Give me a sentence that includes the words:  defence, defeat, detail.
Student:  When a horse jumps over defence, defeat go first and then detail.
 
*God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.  Then he made the earth round…and laughed and laughed and laughed.
 
*I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
 
*Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time," isn't the correct response.
 
*I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
 
*Felt uncomfortable driving into the cemetery.  The GPS blurted out "You have reached your final destination."
 
*My mind is like an internet browser.  At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
 
*Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling, and I'm still alive.

A bit of fun that helps you realize the written word can be misleading

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -

In a Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------------

In a London department store:

BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------------

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE 
BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND 
STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --

Outside a second-hand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. 
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------

Spotted in a safari park:

(I sure hope so.)

ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------

Seen during a conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, 
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------------

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE 
FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL 
TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife

And Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room 
and asked who wrote this It took two or three readings before 
the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! 
They put in a correction the next day.

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really? Ya' think?

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works better than a fair trial!

----------------------------- ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya' think?!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!

------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?

****************************** ****************************** ********************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ****

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!

****************************** ****************************** ****************************** *****

And the winner is...

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

****************************** ****************************** ****************************** 

A short break from the political madness

More explanation of why liberals and conservatives see the same things differently

Something To Offend Somebody (maybe everybody)