The Friday Funnies are a bit late

Thoughts for today:

Old age comes at a bad time. When you finally know everything, you start to forget everything your know.

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Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are.

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Happiness is not having what you want but appreciating what you have.

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To succeed in life  you need a backbone, a wishbone and a funny bone. ~ Reba McIntire

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Brain, hair, and skin cells die constantly. But, fat cells seem to have eternal life.

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Not all storms come to disrupt your life. Some come to clear your path.

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Your mind is a garden. Your thoughts are seeds. You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.

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And in the end, mankind used so much toilet paper that they wiped themselves out.

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How do you keep a bagel from getting away? Put lox on it.

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Pastry chefs know that old age crepes up on you.

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I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

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A woman in labour yells, "shouldn't, wouldn't, couldn't didn't, can't." The doctor said, "Don't worry, they are just contractions."

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Lisa and Robert were sitting on the couch watching TV when suddenly Lisa hears that she got a text message on her phone that

she left in the kitchen.

 

She went to the kitchen to check it and it was from her hubby, Robert, saying 'While your up bring me some chips and beer'.

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A retired man now volunteers to entertain patients in assisted living homes and hospitals. He recently visited one hospital and

brought along his keyboard.

 

After telling jokes and singing songs at patients' bedside, he said farewell and "I hope you get better."

 

One elderly gentleman replied, "And I hope you get better too."

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I think that my dog always follows me to the bathroom because I always follow him outside.

He thinks that is the way it works?

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Selected Sayings By and About Politicians:

 

• We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~ Aesop

• Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~ Nikita Khrushchev

• When I was a boy, I was told that anybody could become president. I'm beginning to believe it. ~ Clarence Darrow

• Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of government. But then I repeat myself. ~ Mark Twain

• A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. ~ Will Rogers

• I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up

    by the handle. ~ Winston Churchill

• Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~ Doug Lawson

• I offered my opponents a deal: "If they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them". ~ Adlai Stevenson

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Gentlemen! Want to make your lady feel special?

 

Place her picture in the kitchen and write Employee of the Month.

 

She will love it. You can follow me for more relationship tips.

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Brent and Rhonda went out for dinner at a nice steak house.  The waiter asked, "How do you like your steak sir?"

 

Brent replied, "Like winning an argument with my wife."

 

Waiter, "Rare it is then sir."